Do you go to the dungeon.
To find out how to make peace
With your days in the dungeon?
Writing a letter to you
Didn't make me any more peaceful
Than how I felt when we weren't speaking.
Feels I didn't cop to what I did.
I can't love you 'cause we're supposed to have professional boundaries.
I'd like you to be schooled and in awe
As though you were kissed by God full on the lips.
I'm in the front row
The front row with popcorn.
I get to see you close up.
I'm too tired to recount the unpleasantries one by one one minutes I
want to
banish you the next I want to be on a deserted island with you along
with my
three favorite CD's ambivalent yet in your bed we've yet to acknowledge
what
really happened.
Slid into the ditch.
I have this overwhelming loss of ambition
We said let's name thirty good reasons why we shouldn't be together.
I started by saying things like "you smoke" "you live in New Jersey"
You started saying things like "you belong to the world"
All of which could have been easily refuted but the conversation was
hypothetical
I am totally short of breath for you why can't you shut your stuff
off.
I'm in the front row,
The front row with popcorn
I get to see you see you close up.
And I laughed until my lungs hurt I love how you bust my chops you don't
always feel seen sometimes you feel erasable unfortunately I cannot
reciprocate in my current state I think we should be careful of how
much time
we spend together.
For a while I'm speaking
You know how much you hate to be interrupted
Maybe spend some time alone fill up your proverbial cup
So that it doesn't always have to be about you
I've been wanting your undivided attention
I like the fact that you're nothing like me
Are you not burdoned by the lack of perspective people
Have of your charmed life (seemingly)?
I'm in the front row
The front row with popcorn
I get to see you see you close up.
You never meant to be ungrateful nor held up to be whipped or wept for
certainly not analyzed prodded at more ways than one apparently you've
been
misrepresented dealing with the concept of arrows being slung towards
your
outrageous fortune.
Hey I'm not mad at you guardian
I'm mad at myself for spending so much time with you and your jeckyl
and
hydeness
I'm glad I figuratively slapped you on the wrist
You laughed a wicked laugh and said 'come here let me clip your wings'
(I know he's blood but you can still turn him away you don't owe him
anything)
"Raise the roof" he yelled "yeah raise the roof" I yelled back.
(unfortunately you need a health scare to reprioritize)
No thanks to the soap box.
Having me rile against them won't make an ounce of difference.
I'm in the front row the front row with popcorn.
I get to see you see you close up.
Oh the things I've done for you many a sitch a friend a man's been left
for
you oh the books I've read for you the tongues I've bitten for you
many a new
city for you many a risk taken for you (not a single regret).
How long will this take, Baba?
How long have we been sleeping?
Do you see me hanging on to every word you say?
How soon will I be holy?
How much will this cost, Guru?
How much longer 'till you've completely absolved me?
I've seen them give their drugs in places of natured alters
I've heard them chanting kali, kali, frantically
I've heard them rodely repeat you teachers with iditism
I've seen them boasting the roads, and forgein dangle woods, beat
How long will this take, Baba?
How long have we been sleeping?
Do you see me hanging on to every word you say?
How soon will I be holy?
How much will this cost, Guru?
How much longer 'till you've completely absolved me?
Ave Maria, Ave Maria...
I've seen them overlooking God in their own essance
I've seen their upward glances in hopes of instant salvation
I've seen their ritcheouness mixed with their own loving confessions
I've watched you smile at the people who bowed to kiss your feet
How long will this take, Baba?
How long have we been sleeping?
Do you see me hanging on to every word you say?
How soon will I be holy?
How much will this cost, Guru?
How much longer 'till you've completely absolved me?
Give me strength all knowing one
How long 'till enlightenment?
How much longer 'till you've completely absolved me?
Ave Maria, Ave Maria, Ave Maria, Ave Maria
** Thanx a lot to Rafael for this one **
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
How 'bout me not blaming you for everything
How 'bout me enjoying the moment for once
How 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How 'bout grieving it all one at a time
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
The moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched down
How 'bout no longer being masochistic
How 'bout remembering your divinity
How 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How 'bout not equating death with stopping
Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence
Yeah yeah
Ahh ohhh
Ahhh ho oh
Ahhh ho ohhhhhh
Yeaahhhh yeahh
Are you still mad I had an emotional affair?
Are you still mad I tried to mold you into
Who I wanted you to be?
Are you still mad I didn't trust your intentions?
Of course you are
Of course you are
Are you still mad that I flirted wildly?
Are you still mad I had a tendency to mother you?
Are you still mad that I had one foot out of the door?
Are you still mad that we slept together even after
We had ended it?
Of course you are
Of course you are
Are you still mad I wore the pants most of the time?
Are you still mad that I seemed to focus
Only on your potential?
Are you still mad that I threw in the towel?
Are you still mad that I gave up long before you did?
Of course you are
Of course you are
I have as much rage as you have.
I have as much pain as you do.
I've lived as much hell as you have.
And I've kept mine bubbling under for you.
You were my best friend
You were my lover.
You were my mentor.
You were my brother.
You were my partner.
You were my teacher.
You were my very own sympathetic character.
I was afraid of verbal daggers.
I was afraid of the calm before the storm.
I was afraid of for my own bones.
I was afraid of your seduction.
I was afraid of your coercion.
I was afraid of your rejection.
I was afraid of your intimidation.
I was afraid of your punishment.
I was afraid of your icy silences.
I was afraid of your volume.
I was afraid of your manipulation.
I was afraid of your explosions.
I have as much rage as you have.
I have as much pain as you do.
I've lived as much hell as you have.
And I've kept mine bubbling under for you.
(Chorus - Chorus)
You were my keeper.
You were my anchor.
You were my family.
You were my savior.
And there in lay the issue.
And therein lay the problem.
That I would be good
If I got and stayed sick
That I would be good
Even if I gained 10 pounds
That I would be fine
Even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good
If I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great
If I was no longer queen
That I would be grand
If I was not on a wing
That I would be loved
Even when I'm not myself
That I would be good
Even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved
Even when I was fuming
That I would be good
Even if I was clinging
That I would be good
Even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you
You reminded her so much of your father,
So you were banished
And you wonder why you're so hypersensitive.
And why you can't trust anyone but us.
But then how can I begin to forgive her?
So many years under bridges with dirty water.
She was foolish and selfish and cowardly if you ask me.
I don't know where to begin in all my 50 odd years.
I have been silently suffering and adapting, perpetuating, and enduring.
Who are you younger generation to tell me that I have unresolved problems?
Not many examples of fruits of this type of excruciating labor.
How can you just throw words around like grieve and heal and mourn?
I feel fine, we may not have been born as awake as you were.
It was much harder in those days, we had paper routes uphill both ways.
We went from school to a job to wife to instant parenthood.
I walked into his office, I felt so self-conscious on the couch.
He was sitting down across from me, he was writing down his hypothesis.
I don't know.
I've got a loving supportive wife who doesn't know how involved she
should get.
You say his interjecting was him just calling me on my shit?
Just the other day, my sweet daughter, I was driving past 203.
I walked up the stairs in my mind's eye.
I remember how they would creak loudly.
She was only responsive with a drink,
He was only responsive by photo.
I was only trying to be the best big brother I could.
I've walked sometimes confused sometimes ready to crack open wide.
Sometimes indignant, sometimes raw.
Can you imagine I pay him 75 dollars an hour sometimes?
It feels like highway robbery.
And sometimes it's peanuts.
I wish it could last a couple more hours.
So here we both are battling similar demons (not coincidentally)
You see in getting beyond knowing it slowly intellectually,
You're not relinquishing your majesty.
You are wise, you are warm, you are courageous, you are big.
And I love you more now than I ever have in my whole life.
Because I can't not
Because I can't not
Because I can't afford
To be misread one more time
Would I be whinning if I said I needed a hug?
Would you feel slighted
If I said your love's not enough?
How can I complain?
How can I complain
When i'm the one who reaches for it?
Because I can't not
Because I can't not
Because I cannot walk without my crutches
Because I can't not
Because I can't not
Because I can't help wonder why you ask me
To all the unheard wisdom in the schoolyard
You think you're the right ones
You think you're the charmed ones i'm sure
How can you go on with such conviction?
And who do you think you are
Why do you question me?
Because we can't not
Because we can't not
Because we can't help
Laugh at our underestimations
Because we can't not
Because we can't not
Because we can't afford
To be misled one more time
Because we can't not
Because we can't not
Because we cannot help
Without your willingness
Why do you affect me? why do you affect me still?
Why do you hinder me? why do you hinder me still?
Why do you unnerve me? why do you unnerve me still?
Why do you trigger me? why do you trigger me still?
*** Thanx to Daniel who corrected some mistakes ***
My wife is in the next room,
We've been having troubles you know,
Please don't tell her or anyone,
But I need to talk to somebody.
You said, "Wouldn't it be a shame if I knew how great I was
Five minutes before I died? I'd be filled with such regret
Before I took my last breath."
And I said, "You're willing to tell me this now, and you're not going
to die anytime soon."
And I said I haven't been eating chicken,
Or meat,
Or anything.
And you said yes, but you've been wearing leather and laughed and said
We're at the top of the food chain.
And yes you're still a fine woman,
And I cringed.
I was hoping,
I was hoping we could heal each other.
I was hoping,
I was hoping we could be raw together.
We left the restaurant where the head waiter (in his 60's), said
"Good bye, sir. Thank you for your business sir. You're successful
and
established, sir, and we like the frequency with which you dine here
sir. And
your money."
And when I walked by, they said "Thank you too dear."
I was all pigtails and cords.
And there was a day when I would've said something like,
"Hey dude, I could buy and sell this place, so kiss it."
I too once thought I was owed something.
I was hoping,
I was hoping we could challenge each other.
I was hoping,
I was hoping we could crack each other up.
I too thought that when proved wrong, I lost somehow.
I too thought life was cruel.
It's a cycle, really.
You think I'm withdrawing and guilt tripping you.
I think you're insensitive and I don't feel heard.
And I said "Do you believe we are fundamentally judgmental?
Fundamentally evil?"
And you said Yes.
And I said do you believe in revenge, in right or wrong, good or bad?
And you said "Well, what about the man that I saw handcuffed in the
emergency
room,
Bleeding after beating his kid, and she threw a shoe at his head.
I think what he did was wrong, and I wouldn't have had a hard time
feeling
compassion for him."
I had to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged.
I was hoping,
I was hoping we could dance together.
I was hoping,
I was hoping we could be creamy together.
I have abused my power forgive me
You mean we actually are all one
One one one one one one one
I've been out of reach and separatist
Heaven forbid average (whatever average means)
I have compensated for my days of powerlessness
I have abused my so-called power forgive me
You mean we actually are all one
One one one one one one one
Did you just call her amazing?
Surely we both can't be amazing!
And give up my hard earned status
As fabulous freak of nature?
I have abused my power forgive me
You mean we actually are all one
One one one one one one one
Always looked good on paper
Sounded good in theory
I would throw a party, still it would not come.
I would bike, run, swim, and still it would not come.
I'd go traveling and still it would not come.
I would starve myself and still it would not come.
If I'm masculine, I will be taken more seriously.
If I take a break, it would make me irresponsible.
If I'm elusive, I will surely be sought after often.
If I need assistance, then I must be incapable.
I'd be filthy rich, and still it would not come.
I would seduce them, and still it would not come.
I would drink vodka, and still it would not come.
I'd have an orgasm, and still it would not come.
If I accumulate knowledge, I'll be impenetrable.
If I am aloof, no one will know when they strike a nerve.
If I keep my mouth shut, the boat will not have to be rocked.
If I am vulnerable, I will be trampled upon.
I would go shopping, and still it would not come.
I'd leave the country, and still it would not come.
I would scream and rebel, still it would not come.
I would stuff my face, and still it would not come.
I'd be productive, and still it would not come.
I'd be celebrated, and still it would not come.
I'd be the hero, and still it would not come.
I'd renunciate, and still it would not come.
Dear Jonathan, I liked you too much.
I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me,
And think solely about themselves,
And you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time.
I used to say the more tragic the better.
The truth is, whenever I think of the early 90's,
Your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday.
Dear Terrance, I love you muchly.
You've been nothing but open hearted,
And emotionally available and supportive,
And nurturing, and consummately there for me.
I kept drawing you in and pushing you away,
I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch,
And cry in front of you for the first time.
You were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself.
What was wrong with me?
Dear Marcus, you rocked my world.
You had a charismatic way about you with the woman,
And you got me seriously thinking about spirituality.
And you wouldn't let me get away with kicking my own ass.
But I could never really feel relaxed,
And looked out for around you, though,
And that stopped us from going any further than we did.
And it's kinda too bad,
Because we could've had much more fun.
Dear Lou, we learned so much.
I realize we won't be able to talk for some time,
And I understand that as I do you.
The long distance thing was the hardest,
And we did as well as we could.
We were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives.
I will always have your back and be curious about you,
About your career,
Your whereabouts.
Luminous moreso than most anyone.
Unapologetically alive.
Knot in my stomach,
And lump in my throat.
I love you when you dance,
When you freestyle in trance,
So pure, such an expression.
Supposed former infatuation junkie.
I sink three pointers,
And you wax poetically.
I love you when you dance,
When you freestyle in trance,
So pure, such an expression.
Let's grease the wheel over tea.
Let's discuss things in confidence.
Let's be outspoken, let's be ridiculous,
Let's solve all the worlds problems.
I love you when you dance,
When you freestyle in trace,
So pure, such an expression.
That you wanted to do away with yourself.
Guess she thought I would be the perfect resort
Because we've had this inexplicable connection since our youth
And yes, they're in shock
They are panicked
You and your chronic
Them and their drama
You this embarassment
Us in the middle of this delusion.
If we were our bodies,
If we were our futures,
If we were our defenses,
I'd be joining you.
If we were our culture,
If we were our leaders,
If we were our denials,
I'd be joining you.
I remember vividly a day years ago,
We were camping.
You knew more than you thought you should know.
You said "I don't want ever to be brainwashed"
And you were mindboggling, you were intense.
You were uncomfortable in your own skin.
You were thirsty,
But mostly you were beautiful.
If we were our nametags,
If we were our rejections,
If we were our outcomes,
I'd be joining you.
If we were our indignities,
If we were our successes,
If we were our emotions,
I'd be joining you.
You and I, we're like four year olds.
We want to know why, and how come about everything.
We want to reveal ourselves at will, and speak our minds.
And never talk small talk and be intuitive,
And question mightily, and find God my tortured beacon.
We need to find like-minded companions.
If we were their condemnations,
If we were their projections,
If we were our paranoias, I'd be joining you.
If we were our incomes,
If we were our obsessions,
If we were our afflictions, I'd be joining you.
We need a reflection,
We need a really good memory.
Feel free to call me a little more often.
Why pleased with your low maintenance?
Where was your ally, your partner in feminine crime?
Oh, mother, who's your buddy?
Oh, mother, who's got your back?
The heart of the house,
The heart of the house.
All hail the goddess.
You were 'good 'ol'
You were "count on'er til four am"
You saw me run from the house
In the snow melodramatically.
Oh, mother, who's your sister?
Oh, mother, who's your friend?
The heart of the house.
The heart of the house.
All hail the goddess.
We left the men and we went for a walk in the gatineaus
And talked like women,
Like women to women would.
Womyn to womyn would "Where did you get that from?
Must've been your father, your dad."
I got it from you, I got it from you.
Do you see yourself in my gypsy garage sale ways?
In my fits of laughter?
In my tinkerbell tendencies?
In my lack of color coordination?
I became so self-conscious of anything exuberant.
I wouldn't have sold myself short.
I wouldn't have kept my eyes glued to the ground.
If I had've known my invisibility would not make a difference,
I would've run around screaming proudly at the top of my voice.
I wouldn't have said it was in fact luck,
I'm talking idealism here.
I would not have been so self-deprecating,
I wouldn't have cowered for fear of having my eyes scratched out.
I wouldn't have cut my comfort off.
I wouldn't have feigned needlessness.
I would not have discredited every one of their compliments.
It was your approval I wanted.
Your congratulations.